But?

by Melissa Brandon
(Phoenix, AZ)

I feel like the person already KNOWS why I am mad at them, and resent having to tell them. Why can't people see that a simple apology goes a long way to making things civil at work?

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Oct 17, 2015
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Sep 30, 2015
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Aug 04, 2015
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Theoretically good advice, but . . .
by: Marion

I've had the cold shoulder given to my by co-workers on many different jobs. Usually, I had no idea why. Asking for a sit-down with someone who acts like they already hate you has never been something I could work up the courage to face. So I just lived with it. And it was very uncomfortable.

What really helped was when I joined a 12-step program to help people who are bothered by someone else's drinking or drug use. It's called Al-Anon, and we learn to "detach with love" from the person whose out-of-control behavior is robbing us of our peace and our sanity. Husband, wife, son, daughter, sibling, parent, friend . . . you still love them, always will, but you just let them go, and let them do whatever they feel they need to do, and also let them deal with the consequences of their actions. You're still in each others' lives, but you're no longer . . . involved.

I had to do this process with one of the closest people to me in my whole life, someone whose drinking and using was driving me away. Instead, I learned to stay, but stay detached.

Anyway, I learned that if you can detach from your own spouse whose behavior is driving you crazy, you can certainly detach from a co-worker whose giving you the cold shoulder. My attitude now is: "when and if she wants to talk, I'm here. And if she doesn't, that's OK too. I've got my work to do; I've got my headphones, I've got my own family and friends, and I am a happy camper."

I think these people who give others the cold shoulder for some minor annoyance, are bullies, and I think they sense "sensitive hearts" who are easy to bully and mistreat. When these bullies see that you are detached, serene, and happy in spite of their nastiness, I think sooner or later, they may just grow bored with acting that way. We shall see.

Jun 12, 2014
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Cold shoulder is emotionally abusive, but must ultimately be about the giver
by: Anonymous

Coworker giving me the cold shoulder and I have had conflicts in the past, but I have let them go. Partially with a new boss things have gotten easier. When our old boss was here having lunch he made a comment about 3 other people solving problems with particular duties which I am competent with. Old boss doesn't care for me and I don't have great interpersonal skills. Next day coworker (who is one of the 3 mentioned) starts giving me the cold shoulder and looking through me. Who has time for that? It hurts my feelings alot, but I don't want to say anything to her, mainly because I don't think it would do alot of good. I can't help it if she has to boost her own ego that way. Screw her. I know that doesn't solve anything, as ignoring her back doesn't either, but that's what is working for me now. She's a total bitch (at times, to me) and I can't control her. I feel at a loss, like there's nothing I can do about it. She is 6 feet tall and black and can be intimidating.

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